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Is there a hypnotist out there?

UBG searches heaven and Earth for hypnotist SHAZAM WOW itreallyworks!@aol.com UBG has hit a roadblock in planning next year’s entertainment lineup. The organization desperately needs to find a new hypnotist that has not previously performed at Augustana. “This is crucial to student life here at Augustana,” said

USF grad gets management position, Augustana doesn’t know what to do

USF grad succeeds, AU mourns CYNTHIA FROMSEIN pinkishhue@wasitblue.com While Augustana may once have been top dog with a 98 percent job placement rate, confidence has recently been slashed—by a Cougar. Chad, a 2016 University of Sioux Falls graduate, has landed a mid-level management position at the local

Emails prove to be morale MURDERERS

Seniors excited to get off email lists Richer Pryorities likeburninghimself@yolo.com During his freshman year, alleged senior and computer science major Tom Tow went hog-wild at his first Augustana activities fair. “I just thought, you know, ‘new school, new me,’” he said. “I signed up for everything: Augie Green,

Oliver warns study abroad … or else

Some seniors to be diploma-deprived Newman JollyorEvil?@mail.com Six weeks from graduation, seniors are about to be swindled and bamboozled—and not just by the government demanding student loan repayment. Augustana administration has decided to withhold diplomas from students who did not study abroad during their stint on campus.

Staple or paperclip? Yes, this is a real debate.

Oh, staple, you doth keep us in tandem Allow this humble defense of the most maligned office instrument, the simple staple. Staples are a vital part of life. Without staples, papers become a disjointed anarchy. It’s a great frustration. Yet staples are overlooked. Everyone goes for flashy tape. But

Study abroad gives meaning to brokenhearted fellow

Feckless youth finds meaning abroad after lustful yearnings leave him empty Like all regrettable things in life, it all started with a kiss. Just one kiss. After an October evening of ESPN, chicken wings and beer, my buddies and I stumbled to the football house for a party with all

No, those kids are tryin’ their hearts out, America

The Augustana Mirror is not-not fake news. You could even say it is not-not-not-not fake news. And here is a pure, un-unaltered fact: the Mirror has a 102-percent chance of telling the truth. Some might disagree with this statistic, but I am simply presenting alternate information provided by alternate staticians