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augiemirror

No, those kids are tryin’ their hearts out, America

The Augustana Mirror is not-not fake news. You could even say it is not-not-not-not fake news. And here is a pure, un-unaltered fact: the Mirror has a 102-percent chance of telling the truth. Some might disagree with this statistic, but I am simply presenting alternate information provided by alternate staticians

Yes, they’re two-bit writers with nothing better to do

It’s pathetic. It’s failing. It’s SAD. The journalists of the Mirror are all losers, folks. They don’t win anything, they have the worst words and they have tiny hands. I don’t even know how they edit the paper with such tiny hands. This fake news

What’s Old This Week

Student doesn’t write good deed on resume

Breaking barriers: student does good deed, refuses to add to resume ER-BUD halfeatensnackextraordinare@nvc.net Under pressure to write a resume that stands apart from the crowd, students at Augustana eagerly embrace the challenge of gaining skills they believe give them an edge. Senior Emily Wissink has added squirrel nurturing

Augie Green taking new measures to be eco-friendly

Augie Green takes ‘all natural’ to new heights with campus revamp JESYKA MEOW rufruf@ole.augie.edu Donning birkenstocks and flannel shirts, Augie Green members dispersed throughout campus and balanced on their left legs, hands gently folded in front of their hearts. Eyes closed, they held the meditative “tree pose”

Diplomas and marriage certificates

Success Center adds marriage services K-DAWG cavalierkingcharlesspaniellover@aol.com The Augie Advantage just got a facelift. The Student Success Center announced last week that its commitment to student success even after graduation will now apply to an as-of-yet-untapped facet of on-campus achievement: marriage. “Why should our promise to ensure student

Day in the life: twilight of Rob Oliver’s presidency

COMPILED BY KAYRIN rommies4ever@2305.net