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augiemirror

Smirror: Freshman found in service tunnels

THE “SIN” IN WISCONSIN complimentsonly@snailmail.com A freshman was found this week shivering, begrimed and hungry in the tunnels below campus, according to a report from Campus Safety. He spent more than four months trying to find his way out. Last December, freshman Noah Wicks went into the tunnels

Smirror: FSC’s secret project shakes up campus

VOLTAIRE jswiftfan@hottakes.com Former blue dog Stephanie Herseth Sandlin was appointed as the new president of Augustana University last spring. Just three days later, all professors from the science department had applied for summer research funding received a letter of approval—on one condition: they use the allocated funds

Smirror: Mirror Readership soars

Smirror: Mirror Readership soars

SMITTY WERBENJAGERMANJENSEN iamnumberone@awayinagrave.com According to a new campus poll, the Augustana Mirror’s readership is exponentially growing this semester, soaring to right around 15 avid readers a week. The spike in readership is leading some to speculate that the numbers were warped, probably by Mirror journalists themselves. Others

Smirror: Football player wears jeans for first time

Smirror: Football player wears jeans for first time

WALMART YODELER bowtieandboots@hitmeup.com “It was just like any other Wednesday,” said junior Joscelyn Schipper, recalling last week’s events. “We had been in class for about 10 minutes when he walked in. The whole class fell silent. I don’t really remember much of class after that. It’

Smirror: Norwegians tired of cultural appropriation

Smirror: Norwegians tired of cultural appropriation

DRUNK MINOTAUR woked@rushmoremail.com Augustana University is the premier American holiday destination for Norwegian students looking for a semester abroad. In fact, the Aftenposten, one of the most widely circulated newspapers in Norway, recently named Augustana “the Cancun of America,” and it’s not hard to see why. With

Smirror: House hunting debuts as sanctioned Division II sport

Smirror: House hunting debuts as sanctioned Division II sport

WHIPPERSNAPPER whippersnapper@whippersnapper.com Let’s face it, sports can be difficult. Numerous NBA and NFL players have faced setbacks in their football and basketball careers, illustrating just how hard those games can be. But there is one sport immensely more difficult than either of these: house hunting. House hunting

Smirror: Walk-on suspended for drug violations, new AD comments

Smirror: Walk-on suspended for drug violations, new AD comments

DARRYL STRAWBERRY caught@tonsofdrugs.com A freshman walk-on punter on the Augustana football team has been suspended indefinitely by the NCAA for numerous drug policy offenses. The freshman was submitted to a random drug test during the off season, and the results indicated a wide variety of performance enhancing and