The Naked Truth: Finishing the conversation
Writing “The Naked Truth” has been one of the most empowering things I have ever done. I will never forget the kindness and support I received from the Augustana community. I hope this column continues long after I graduate, and I can’t wait to continue reading. Although I have received some harsh criticism, I hope that many women and men have learned from this column.
Women of today are no longer interested in relationships with men who do not understand equality, emotional intelligence and mutual pleasure. Many young women are content being single and independent rather than being in relationships with men who do not truly understand them. This shift reflects the tensions between a woman’s desire for equality in her romantic partner and a man’s desire for a woman to work to be in a relationship with him. Heterosexual romantic relationships are failing because men lack respect for women and disregard women’s pleasure.
British journalist and writer Laurie Penny outlines in her book, “Sexual Revolution,” the internalized sexism men grow up with. Penny writes about the transactional way men view women: “Men and boys often grow up marinated in the assumption that they are owed certain things from women — not individual women, but women in general.”
Men are brought up believing that women will always be there to take care of them in any capacity. For women, this means that they must perform “love as a form of work,” Penny writes.
But young heterosexual women who are looking for partners no longer want to perform this work to be in a relationship. This leads to sharp dissonance between men’s and women’s desires in romantic relationships.
When men continue to latch onto their misogyny, they perpetuate a lack of emotional intelligence, empathy and respect for women. Men distance themselves from the possibility of a new partner when they refuse to unlearn what society has taught them: that women will always compromise themselves for men.
On the other hand, women who are confident, independent and successful now want nothing to do with men who lack respect for women — respect that women know they deserve. Women are interested in relationships that center around a mutual understanding — humanness.
Without the vital piece of equality, the current, heterosexual romantic relationship puzzle will never be complete. Instead, women invest in a relationship with someone they like a lot better — themselves. Most women prefer being single to being in relationships with men who do not treat them with respect.
“Women and girls are not just withholding sex from men who have no interest in their pleasure — they are withholding intimacy and romance from men who have no interest in relationships of equality,” Penny writes.
While women have run with a newfound sense of independence, men stay at the starting line, wondering why they are still alone.
Some men understand the standards women hold for their romantic partners, yet they fall short of being a true ally to women. Many men are aware of women’s desire for a partner who views them as an equal, and men use this knowledge to develop a guise over the true way they view women.
“If a man claims to be an ally or a supporter of women’s rights but routinely abuses the trust and hurts the bodies of the women with whom he is intimate, he is as great a peril to those women as the unapologetic misogynist,” Penny writes.
When college-aged men practice this kind of performative allyship towards women, they ruin women’s trust in men, making women wonder, ‘How can I trust that he views me as an equal?’
It is not hard to imagine how men’s lack of respect for women in romantic relationships correlates to how men view sexual intimacy in relationships with women. To think that the system of misogyny does not exist in every aspect of a heterosexual relationship would be naive. Assistant Professor of Sociology and gender, sexuality and sexual behavior sociologist Spencier Ciaralli explained that men’s pleasure is prioritized over women’s in the social scripts of heterosexual sexual encounters.
“When our assumptions about gendered sexual scripts show sex and sexual interaction and pleasure to look one particular way, someone ends up getting the short end of the stick, and that tends to be women,” Ciaralli said.
Gendered sexual interactions for heterosexual couples outline a script that is centered around male orgasms. While the lack of female orgasms is a more prominent issue in hookups — because men feel no obligation to sexually satisfy women during hookups — female orgasms are also not prioritized in romantic relationships. Society’s view of women’s pleasure in heterosexual sex as an additional bonus is a direct reflection of gender inequality.
“It is not that incorporating male pleasure isn’t an important component when that person is involved, but rather it is that we need to problematize that they are the only component considered when we are talking about the general standard, normal and natural innate framework of sex,” Ciaralli said.
A Rutgers study on heterosexual romantic relationships found that “women who have fewer orgasms expect and desire less during sex with their partners.” Another study published in “Sexual Medicine” found that the orgasm gap doesn’t fade with age, proving the orgasm gap is a lasting problem.
Many people turn the reasoning of the orgasm gap back onto women, telling them that they need to figure out what they like sexually and that they must feel confident communicating that with their partner. Women I’ve talked to understand what they enjoy sexually, but the problems arise when they get to the step of communication with their partner, largely because most men react poorly when given sexual criticism. Some male partners go as far as shaming their female counterparts if they cannot achieve orgasms through penetrative sex alone. Reacting poorly to sexual criticism and shaming are not productive. What is productive when trying to close the orgasm gap is men’s investment in women’s pleasure.
Ciaralli explained how the orgasm gap shrinks when women are sexually involved with people who are not cisgender, straight men. Research shows that when sexually intimate, lesbian women orgasm 86% of the time, bisexual women orgasm 66% of the time and heterosexual women orgasm 65% of the time.
In heterosexual hookup culture, women are especially underserved because men care even less about their partner’s sexual satisfaction. “[The orgasm gap] skyrockets when we’re talking about hookups,” Ciaralli said. “Because now there is also this even further lack of obligation on men’s part to make sure that the female counterpart in a straight hookup is actually achieving sexual satisfaction.”
One way to start closing the orgasm gap is by letting men know in what ways they are failing in sexual interactions with women.
One “Archives of Women Health and Care” study shows that over 75% of college-aged women have faked an orgasm. Furthermore, researchers commonly find that women fake orgasms to spare the feelings of their male partners. It is time for women to prioritize their own pleasure alongside their partner’s during sexual interactions. Women must also stop faking orgasms during intercourse with men. When women fake orgasms during sex, it perpetuates the idea that men think they are doing a good job when, really, they are not.
Men clearly need to prioritize women’s sexual satisfaction in both hookups and committed relationships. The change should not stop there — women must also stop faking orgasms, cementing their place in the world of sexual equality.
Closing the orgasm gap is not just about prioritizing both partner’s pleasure; it is about unlearning the scripts of centering men and giving both parties equal opportunities. Heterosexual romantic relationships will continue to struggle until men realize they must treat women as humans and as equals.
