The Naked Truth: Unwanted sex in relationships
Two weeks ago, in the fourth installment of “The Naked Truth,” I discussed unwanted sex — considered to be obligatory and partially consensual — in the context of hookup culture, but it also persists in committed relationships.
Sex in relationships should be safe and comfortable, yet many Augustana women question if their sexual experiences within relationships are normal.
A healthy relationship should include the freedom to change one’s mind about sexual encounters, clear communication about sexual expectations and an understanding of one’s partner’s sexuality. But many women have unwanted sex to protect themselves from potential violence from a partner. The fear of a partner’s anger can be a consequence for not participating in unwanted sex with a committed partner, but consequences can also take on more subtle forms.
Some college-aged women endure emotional manipulation — gaslighting, guilt-tripping or projection — in committed relationships to pressure them into having unwanted sex. Some men use manipulation tactics, like counting how often their partner expressed interest in sex versus how often the couple had sex, simply to shame their partner. Furthermore, some women feel that if they show interest in sex and then change their minds, they will be condemned for having been a tease.
Women must either decide to decline sex and argue with their partners or have unwanted sex. This choice makes them question: Is it worth upsetting him to say no?
Once, a woman told me a story about a time when she felt her partner was upset with her for not having sex. She asked him to hang out with her and suggestively mentioned she had the house to herself. When he came over, she wanted to go on a walk. While they were out, she noticed her boyfriend getting agitated and asked him what was wrong. He said he didn’t have much more free time, and she realized that he was upset because he was only interested in having sex.
This kind of story reveals a general societal pattern of sexual expectations in men. Society has raised men on the idea that when they have a need, it must be satisfied. Some men feel entitled to sexual interactions with their partners, and they attach value to the possibility of sexual interactions. In relationships, that entitlement can lead some men to assume that they have access to sex whenever they want it; however, women should never feel obligated to have sex with their partner, even if they have previously expressed interest in it.
Even if men are unaware of how they contribute to the problem of unwanted sex, this entitled behavior is unacceptable. Men are not entitled to any form of sexual interaction from their partner, even when they are in a committed relationship. If men stopped pressuring their partners into sexual interactions and instead relied on organic sexual chemistry to carry an interaction, chances are the sexual interaction would be more enjoyable.
Some men argue that their need for sex stems from a naturally higher sex drive. While men have a higher libido than women, men must also understand some of the reasons women have lower libido: Mayo Clinic highlights reasons such as medication use, stress, weight gain, sexual pain and sexual trauma.
In college, women often experience many of these challenges in a stress-inducing environment where their weight constantly fluctuates and one in five women experience sexual trauma. Considering all of these challenges, it’s understandable that women don’t always want to have sex with their partners.
Considering their own feelings over their partner’s needs is one of the worst ways men can respond to their partner not wanting to have sex. Being criticized by a partner for not being sexual enough is not productive. Instead, if men are feeling unsatisfied with the amount of sex they are having, they must proceed with kindness, awareness and respect when addressing their feelings with their partner. Additionally, men should consider whether their partner is fully satisfied during sexual interactions. Open communication is an easy way to address a partner’s lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom.
It is not always easy to identify unwanted sexual encounters in relationships. Unwanted sex is rarely talked about, happening quietly and discreetly, but education and communication can help us all participate in healthy and safe relationships.
XOXO
