Top three bathrooms on campus

In our lives, we travel to a great deal of places. As college students, we may travel from our places of living to campus, work, our preferred coffee shop or study spot, or on an adventure outside of the city entirely — all in a single day. It’s almost miraculous to think of where we could end up in just 24 hours, but there’s always one adventure we are guaranteed to embark on any given day. That oh-so-sacred place? The bathroom.

Bathrooms can range in a variety of ways. Some bathrooms are bright, sterile and encourage you to leave as quickly as possible, and some have soft lighting, pleasant acoustics and invite you to take your time. The way we use bathrooms is essentially the same no matter where we are, but our impressions and comfort levels vary. As a community service, I have compiled a list of my personal favorites on Augustana’s campus.

I reviewed any men’s restroom within the range of University Place/28th Street to 33rd Street and South Grange Avenue to South Summit Avenue. My sample set was also limited to non-dormitory/home bathrooms; I chose to exclude the bathrooms on the academic side of Wagoner Hall. I did not evaluate any gender-neutral bathrooms because it would greatly increase the number of bathrooms I’d need to visit, and they would hold an inherent advantage in my privacy category.

In total, I considered 19 bathrooms and identified my top three and bottom three bathroom choices on Augustana’s campus. You can see my final rankings for all 19 bathrooms at the bottom of this page.

When I chose to rank these bathrooms, I wanted to come up with criteria that I believed suited my needs most. Therefore, I ranked bathrooms on five one-to-five scales: campus centrality, or proximity to important centers in the campus ecosystem; eco-friendliness, or water, energy and paper consumption; privacy, or levels of use and likelihood of occupancy; ambiance, or general, light and olfactory impressions; and quality of acoustics, or ideal reverberation time and low background noise — for humming to myself, of course.

In 17th place, with 12 points, is the second-floor Madsen Center restrooms. Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed that the door was not fully closed — my potential business exposed to the outside world. Every Madsen bathroom uses manual faucets and paper towels, dropping their eco-friendliness scores significantly. The blinking, buzzing, irritating overhead lights didn’t help the bathroom's case — its only saving graces were its proximity to campus’ center and its acoustics, which let my humming resonate slightly.

The third-floor Madsen bathroom fell slightly short of its lower companion, landing in 18th place with 11 points. Similar to the second-floor bathroom, manual faucets, manual hand dryers and paper towels were all in use. The second and third-floor bathrooms also shared scores of two in acoustics and privacy, as during the day, you rarely have the luxury of using the bathroom solo. Where the third-floor Madsen fell shortest, though, was the heat that radiated from wall to wall — it felt like a sauna. I’m a firm believer that you should take your time and enjoy your stay while you're doing your business, but the heat made me want to leave immediately. 

Only one can take the prize for being the worst bathroom on campus. This restroom lacks privacy, good acoustics and decent vibes. The one criterion it has going for it is proximity to the Morrison Commons. But this restroom is one of the most unsustainable bathrooms on campus. If there’s one thing I hate more than using paper towels is the unnecessary double-flush — especially when you’re still seated.

The winner of the worst men’s bathroom on campus, falling in 19th place with a mere score of 10 points, is the first-floor Fryxell Humanities Center restroom. Anyone who frequently uses this bathroom knows the infamous double flush, spooking you and spraying you like a very unproductive bidet. The only way to avoid it is by sitting up straight like you’re on a real throne so the automatic flush sensor doesn’t accidentally trigger. 

Because music lessons and rehearsals are going on in the School of Music all day, the bathroom is virtually never empty. Its small size and backward-swinging stall door make it feel cramped. Maybe with all these low scores, the acoustics will save it? Dead wrong. No acoustics, and, ultimately, no good vibes.

Now, with all the bad energy out of the way, let’s move on to the top three.

Taking third with 18 points was the second floor of the Mikkelsen Library, an unexpected underdog. The lighting is low and the space peaceful, and it’s almost always empty. The place is inviting, almost like they want me to read a book on the toilet. The acoustics are okay, and the facilities are slightly eco-friendly; however, the restroom is quite private. The only things it’s missing are fewer paper towels and walls that let me sing my heart out.

In second place, I pay tribute to my biology major by honoring the first-floor Froiland Science Complex men’s bathroom. In celebration of the FSC, all three floors landed in the top half. The first floor has it all: automatic faucets, automatic hand dryers and automatic lights you can switch off when you leave. As I stepped into the space, my footsteps reverberating, I knew the acoustics were good. The lighting was perfect as well: low, but much brighter at the mirrors, including in front of a bonus full-length mirror. I gave the first-floor FSC bathroom 19 total points.

Before moving on to the winner, I’d like to mention a few bathrooms that caught my attention. Third-floor FSC, I see you with your shelves. Just because I don’t carry a handbag doesn’t mean I want to take my stuff into the stall. I advocate for shelves in all men’s restrooms. I’d also like to shout out the Center for Western Studies and School of Music bathrooms for having shockingly good vibes. Lastly, I’d like to shout out the FSC for having the most spacious restrooms: three stalls and four urinals is no small feat.

Now, the moment we’ve been waiting for: In first place, with 20 out of 25 possible points, is the Center for Visual Arts men’s restroom. This bathroom’s only downfall is its secluded location. Manual faucets aside, the CVA bathroom has a small sign encouraging patrons to turn off the lights when finished. I found the bathroom late in my years at Augustana, but I’ve only ever seen another person in it once or twice at most. Its privacy, warm lighting and wise graffiti encourage users to stay for as long as they’d like. But the best part of the bathroom? The acoustics. If you want the perfect place to decompress and belt a sad song to yourself in the mirror, the CVA men’s restroom is the place for you.

This project took me across campus, to bathrooms I never knew existed, even after four years at college. To anyone who wants to explore campus more, I encourage you: Make your own ranking of all the campus bathrooms.

Maybe then you will find your sacred throne, meant to be.